Everything’s so fake. People’s feelings are so fragile and unstable. Everybody seeks pleasure making use of any means necessary, without taking into account the consequences that their insatiable desires, their unquenchable thirsty for pleasantness can convey. Do they know what they are doing? Do they know that their fruitless journey will make no sense in the end? Does the end really justify the means, as they say so?
I suppose what I feel is out of the reach of my understanding. I think I am completely unable to love someone truly. Everybody says: “You cannot love people, because you do not love yourself”. That is, actually, thoroughly wrong. I am, myself, the only person I love. I am egocentric, nihilistic, selfish, self-indulgent and narcissistic. As Narcissus, I am lost in my reflection, I have fallen in love with myself and I have closed up the doors that lead to the real world. I am senselessly waiting, passively waiting. I try desperately to seek myself in other people, but they are not me, they bare no resemblance to me, thus, I am not able to love them. Rephrasing: “I cannot love people, because I only love myself”
My nihilistic behaviour shows, apparently, that I deny reality, I reject reality, whatever it is. Rejection begets hatred. I dislike existence itself, at least, it is not indifference. Indifference is the absence of feelings, there is no love, no hate, no nothing. Just void.
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