Fucking confusion...

All my seconds are annihilated by all those tedious desires that I cannot control. My identity is constantly shattered into pieces when I face the wall, the façade of my reality. When lies are washed away, all those little dirty lies, nothing is left standing. My whole world falls down. This strange illusion, all my filthy thoughts, they just tear my world asunder. Wandering, this rootless entity, my own being, I just can wonder where this confusing shit will lead me to. Inevitable death, ineffable feelings.

My paranoia is slowly driving me mad. The world itself has been smothered in non-truth, people are so fucking hysterical. Everything is so bloody diffuse, doors close up and lights go out. It is remarkably planned, everything we can feel through our senses. The world is conspiring to defeat me, I am not meant for this world, and this world is not meant for me. I am just in the wrong place, at the wrong time, being the wrong person.

Will I ever know who I am? Will I ever be able to be myself in this stupid society that I despise so much, but need at the same time? Right now I’m not anyone. I’m not this, I’m not that, I’m nothing.

Antinomy 6: Love Vs. Hatred

Everything’s so fake. People’s feelings are so fragile and unstable. Everybody seeks pleasure making use of any means necessary, without taking into account the consequences that their insatiable desires, their unquenchable thirsty for pleasantness can convey. Do they know what they are doing? Do they know that their fruitless journey will make no sense in the end? Does the end really justify the means, as they say so?

I suppose what I feel is out of the reach of my understanding. I think I am completely unable to love someone truly. Everybody says: “You cannot love people, because you do not love yourself”. That is, actually, thoroughly wrong. I am, myself, the only person I love. I am egocentric, nihilistic, selfish, self-indulgent and narcissistic. As Narcissus, I am lost in my reflection, I have fallen in love with myself and I have closed up the doors that lead to the real world. I am senselessly waiting, passively waiting. I try desperately to seek myself in other people, but they are not me, they bare no resemblance to me, thus, I am not able to love them. Rephrasing: “I cannot love people, because I only love myself”

My nihilistic behaviour shows, apparently, that I deny reality, I reject reality, whatever it is. Rejection begets hatred. I dislike existence itself, at least, it is not indifference. Indifference is the absence of feelings, there is no love, no hate, no nothing. Just void.

Antinomy 5: Relativity Vs. Absolutism

Once, one of my psychologists said: “Everything is relative”, I automatically, almost mechanically, replied: If everything is relative, the statement itself is relative too, it denies itself. If you dare utter the word “everything”, you are falling into absolutisms. Thus, the statement is false, so we arrive at the conclusion that “Some things are relative, others are not”. Both, relative and absolute things co-exist together, metaphysically talking, they need each other to exist. They are the opposite sides of the same coin.

She just took no heed of my words, and suddenly, she brought up another subject. How the fuck could she ignore me in that fucking way and escape from my logical judgements?

We can then ask ourselves: Is everything relatively absolute or is everything absolutely relative? Can absolute truth exist? Or there is only relative truth?

Owari...

Dancing on shit. An everlasting waltz. It never ends, it never stops. I go round and round as the music flows. Flows right through me and tastes my soul. Those filthy creatures, whispering that terrible song. The deepest Hell I have ever heard, seen or beheld. No sun rises there, where all dreams are unborn.

A dirty façade, my naïve wall. It blurs, it hurts and destroys. It does me in, it burns my skin. There is no way I can escape. I am not in Hell, my mind is Hell itself.

Suffering, the tie that binds the strings of my life.

Antinomy 4: Truth Vs. Non-truth

-Our Song-
Tongue-Tied (by Earshot)

Last night I dreamt that you were dead
The only way that I could find...
To clear you from my head
I find it hard for me to get past all the...
Shit you did to me
In spite, at night I try in vain to get my,
Mind back right

Tongue... Tied
I feel so terrified
I'm so sick of being on my own
This feels like suicide
Tongue...Tied
I feel so dead inside

Some things are better left alone
Completely out of sight and mind
Never to be told
I find it harder to express the things that
No one else can see
But me, sometimes I wait for days to get my,
Mind back right

Tongue... Tied
I feel so terrified
I'm so sick of being on my own
This feels like suicide
Tongue...Tied
I feel so dead inside
Struggling in a world that I can't control
This feels like suicide

Some say waiting, and taking my own time,
Is all I can do
Should've known you'd flinch to hide that,
Look in your eyes
I can hear the words
And now I finally understand,
This feeling of uncertainty that leaves me now

Tongue... Tied
I feel so terrified
I'm so sick of being on my own
This feels like suicide
Tongue...Tied
I feel so dead inside
Struggling in a world that I can't control
This feels like suicide
This feels like suicide
This feels like suicide

I feel so dead, so fucked up. I don’t get anything, I don’t understand what I feel. I’m just so fucking lost. I have been in hiding my whole life, my lies have already blurred the vague image of myself I once had. Everything I used to be disappeared. I have become into this amorphous entity. Something that is devoid of sense. Something that is emotionally deprived.

This is just out of control. I pretended to be, always faking. I do not want to be what I am and I am not aware of what I want to be. I would be better off dead. Non-existence lacks suffering, if I died, I would be able to stop thinking, I would slumber in peace at last. “This feels like suicide”.

"There is no truth”, if this statement happens to be false, the opposite, in this case, truth, should exist to give sense and meaning to non-truth. If the statement is true, it contradicts itself, we then arrive at a paradox. How can we possibly be stating something when, actually, what we are saying denies truth? A truth that denies truth? Thus, the statement cannot be true, it is a non-truth, and it proves that truth, at some extent, exists. “Truth exists”

Truth stems from our judgements of reality and our feelings taint every single thought of ours. Our thoughts result from our effort to create our own world in our minds. The will and power to create, to be “worldly gods”. Truth is purely ours, then “Truth is completely subjective”. If this statement is false, it means that truth is not completely subjective, but when we utter that statement we are being completely subjective, so it cannot be false, it is true.

If it is true we can infer that “There is no objective truth”, if this statement were right, we would deny objectivity, so subjectivity would lose the meaning of its existence too. So, it is false. Since it is false we can infer that “There is objective truth”, “Objective truth exists”, but I think we cannot behold it without being tainted by our subjectivity. Objectivity exists to justify the existence of subjectivity. Objective and subjective views need each other. One makes the other meaningful. Their existences go hand in hand. I cannot prove the contrary. I think they cannot exist by themselves.

We can say that, “No logical thought is certain to be true”. If it is false, it means that “All truth is certain”, but since it is a lie, it cannot be certain, it denies itself, so the previous statement has necessarily to be true.

I have arrived at the conclusion that the only --real?-- truth is that “There is no pre-existent truth in this world”. It sounds logical, but I feel that statement still bears fractures. Truth leaks. This world says absolutely nothing, we are the ones that make it speak. We impose our symbols on everything that our will and power desire. We create our own world, governed by our rules, that also reign over our logical thinking. We then become gods, we take nothingness and make the most of it, and turn it to our whole.

Conclusions:
“Truth exists”
“Truth is completely subjective”
“Objective truth exists, but we are not able to behold it”
“No logical thought is certain to be true”
“There is no pre-existent truth in this world”