Playing Hide and Seek

Tender Sugar (by Mary Elizabeth McGlynn and Akira Yamaoka)

I run I fall what ripped away
check my body now
was it body or soul
the darkness fades, fades to the light
disappearing now
disappears from the night

And all these nightmares I once had
as a child
the morning always came
it came too late
what did my mind forget
forget to hide
could be the nightmare be still awake
I don't know

In or out, up or down
never know its an illusion
round and round, on and on
every day spins my confusion

Not again, not again, not again
from this dream I can't awake
what is real, what is real, what is real
it's getting hard for me to take
what I need, what I need, what I need
a little something I rely
and the white sugar gently hides me

Oh the sweet sugar saves me
it's the room that confines me
confines me
sweet sugar

Yesterday back and forth
broken door no longer opens
breaking down need it now
mother's sugar always loves me

Not again, not again, not again
from this dream I can't awake
what is real, what is real, what is real
it's getting hard for me to take
what I need, what I need, what I need
a little something I rely
and the white sugar gently hides me

Oh the sweet sugar saves me
it's the room that confines me

I love the way the author constantly resorts to the contrast of some ideas, and the repetition of others to emphasize the continuity and the sickening connotation that those words enclose. I can strongly feel that confusion stems from the ambiguity that the overwhelming onslaught of thoughts bare. To express myself simply: suffering impairs the development of one’s life. Pain and dissatisfaction taint absolutely everything, and gluttony turns out to lead your logical thinking. You need something that you can never possibly get and the symbolic satisfaction is not enough to meet the real underlying needs. Sometimes, they are not even conscious, so you are not completely aware of what is missing.

When your inside becomes into a black hole that swallows everything your imagination could stand, you start an endless journey. You will try to find something to fill up the hollowness within yourself, but as you don’t dare face reality, you don’t dare face your real desires, you will eventually not fulfill the task.The answer of one question takes you to another question, an everlasting fruitless effort that leads nowhere. All meaning is, seemingly, lost. You then realize that you have become into an empty container that is waiting to be filled. But the hunger of that hollow can only be temporarily pacified. Void takes you over.

“Sweet Sugar”, a beautiful drug that makes you blind, you belong to it, no longer to yourself. You cover yourself with it, you bury the truth and the lies, and the non-existent borderline between them. You build your self-indulgent Hell, you are imprisoned among those walls, those walls that are only closing in. You are confined there forevermore. You think darkness fades to the light, but you are actually getting blind. You see no longer colours, either darkness. Light drives you crazy and you are left stranded in the middle of nowhere. Everything can go on senselessly, or just stop, but it does not really matter anymore.